My Humps
After much personal examination of my lifestyle, I decided that it was time to either join a gym, or stay on blood pressure meds and Zoloft for the rest of my life. It was a tough decision, after all, I would be giving up Giorgio mozzarella sticks, toasted melted cheese subs with creamy horseradish sauce from Wawa, mashed potatoes with extra cheese and butter and my beloved homemade 6 cheese mac & cheese, for a life of vegetables, egg whites, boiled chicken & fruit. So, I bit the bullet, and with a tiny bit of coaxing from a fellow newbie gym member, I stopped at WOW gym in Robbinsville and am now driving around Chesterfield with the "JERSEY STRONG" magnet on the back of my car.
The Assessment
It was a requirement to go for a personal assessment of your body, health, weight....etc. I brought Jake with me (being that he is obsessed with working out). I made him wait outside the room while the trainer asked me about my lifestyle, (apparently "sedentary" does fall into a lifestyle category.) So after finding out I weigh 20 pounds more than I thought I did, squeezing the bmi calculator and finding out that I probably deserve to be on the "I weigh 600 pounds" show, the trainer proceeded to tell me my "health age" and my "real age". It turns out in real life I am 35, but my body thinks it's 55 (which would probably explain why I get along so well with my mother these days). The trainer proceeded to show me an avatar of my true body on the computer and then an avatar of what I would look like if I met my "goals". Avatars are stupid.
Morning of First Day
With Jake totally stoked about being able to come to the gym for free everyday, he decided to wake me up at 4:45 the day after my assessment. Needless to say I wanted to strangle him, but I forced myself out of bed, grabbed some bleach-stained yoga pants out of a drawer, put on my sneakers that my baby toe sticks out of on the left foot, and searched high and low for a sweatband. (According to Jake noone wears sweatbands or baseball hats to gyms.) Good thing I didn't have luck with the sweatband, because, yeah, I would've been the only froot loop there wearing one.
Getting there
So we walked in the gym at 5:15 A.M. There is a staircase to the ellipticals, treadmills, bikes, etc. Well this staircase is about 30 stories long and super steep. I suggested we take the elevator, Jake said no. After climbing the stairs I decided that would be my warm up.
The Elliptical
"Ma, start off on the elliptical." WTF was the boy thinking? He got me set up, I turned on my ipod and almost had a heart attack 1.5 minutes into it. Gasping for air and my legs giving out is not my idea of fun. The elliptical? Not my friend. Jake found me sitting in the lounge area checking FB on my phone. I pretended to be texting. "Ma, who the hell could you possibly be texting at 5:30 in the morning? Just go on the treadmill".
The Spin class
That same day that I almost died on the elliptical, I saw the trainer who told me I was going to die of a stroke within a year. "Hey, there's a cycling class at 12:00 that I really think you should try. I'll introduce you to the instructor, so come a little early." So being the good example parent that I am, and not wanting to try the spin class alone for the 1st time, I texted Jake at school and told him that I was coming to pick him up from school early so he could come to the class with me.
At 11:40 I run into the locker room to pee. Standing there by the sinks is the trainer & the spin instructor. The trainer introduces me, tells the instructor that I'm brand new and that I may need a little help. Yeah, thanks for that. I love a class full of advanced bikers knowing that I'm the new person. Jake and I get bikes in the back of the room and the class starts filling up. The woman on the bike in front of me must've been like 80 years old in the tightest spandex I've ever seen. So of course I'm thinking, if SHE can do this, I can do this.
The instructor dims the lights, puts on her headset & the music starts pumping. She announces to everyone that there is a 1st timer in the back of the class & her name is Carrie. Fabulous. Jake starts cracking up, takes a swig of his water and starts pedaling like there's no tomorrow. I too pedaled my ass off for a good 10 minutes, wondering when this class would be over. Just as I thought the cool down was coming, the instructor yells into the mic "and that was your warm up ladies & gentlemen!!!!" That's when I realized that I was in my own personal hell.
About 1/2 way through the class, while staring at the 80 year old woman's crotch sweat in front me, Jake announces that he's "going to check on Lily in the childcare room." He left me there to finish the class by myself. I made it through, but I will never, ever do that again. It felt like I had bruises on my ass for 3 days after that.
Getting in a routine
It only took me 2 days of actually going to build up some endurance. I even wake up on my own at 4:30 and get to the gym when it opens. I'm also home before anyone is even out of bed & get to enjoy my coffee in peace. I've realized that the elliptical still isn't my friend, but the treadmill & machines are. I already have so much more energy it's not even funny. I can't believe I didn't do this sooner.
Love you all,
A soon-to-be-skinny beeeeooootch.