There were a few recent events in my life that brought me to this blog post. The mind is a force to be reckoned with. Sometimes our thoughts just consume our lives, and our past has a lot to do with most of our self-destructive ways.
Why don't you ever tell me I'm beautiful?
My mother is a WONDERFUL person. She is my best friend and an amazing grandmother, however, she set me on the path to low self-esteemville. (Yes, that's an actual place in my mind.) I've actually blocked her from seeing this blog post, because I would never want to see her beat herself up for something she unknowingly did.
We all remember 7th grade right? You're body is changing, your personality is changing, you're trying to figure out where you fit in? Remember those days? Well I do, because the beginning of 7th grade was when my mother spoke words to me that I would carry with me the rest of my life. "Carrie Ann, you would be so pretty if you just lost some weight." Yeah, I know, harsh. However, to this day, I know it came from a place of love. It was from that day on that I never felt pretty enough, skinny enough or good enough.
Life goes on. Of course I had many boyfriends throughout the years. Yes, I've had people tell me that I was beautiful. I've had people fall in love with me and truly love the way I looked. But if you don't believe you're beautiful, how can you ever believe the person saying it to you is sincere?
Once in awhile I'll take a selfie where I'll think, "wow, with the right filter, this may actually look really good." Occasionally I'll have a day where I wake up feeling pretty good about myself....then I look in a full length mirror and I hear my mother and think of my 7th grade self. If only I worked out, if only I could drink kale juice for every meal, if only I wasn't born with the fat stomach gene....blah blah blah.
My mother spends quite a bit of time with Lily. I picked her up from my mother's house one day and she said , "Oh my God Carrie Ann. She is just so cute I can't stand it. I try not tell her too often because WE don't want her to end up conceited. When Nana used to tell you how beautiful you were, I would always tell her not to tell you that. And look, you ended up not being conceited." Yeah Ma, okay. Quite the opposite actually.
I ended up marrying a man who does not pay compliments, does not fawn over me and shows zero affection. I've always said Alan is a great dad, but definitely lacks in the husband department. I stick by that statement even 14 years later.
We were laying in bed the other night getting ready to go to sleep. I rolled over and looked at him and said "How come you never tell me I'm beautiful? I don't think you've ever said that in 14 years." His response? "Carr, I don't say it because you KNOW you're beautiful." With that very stern statement, he rolled over and went to sleep. I lay there wide awake for a long time after that. I'm still pondering that statement. And yes, I'm sorry I asked.
It's a control thing
I'm a micro-managing control freak. I have no problem admitting that. However, I didn't become a control freak until THIS happened. Most of you are aware of what happened to Alek 5 years ago.
I was in my bedroom putting away laundry on a Sunday morning in January when Alek's body got fried from 1 inch of boiling water. We spent 8 days in the ICU burn unit at St. Christopher's in Philly. In that 8 days, I went home ONCE to shower. I never felt so out of control in my life, as I did those 8 brutal days and the days following. I almost lost my baby because I was putting away laundry.
I now have this constant need to control everything. I need to have the power in almost every situation and I've become a micro managing helicopter parent. I've seen friends lose their children, young children....how can this shit happen? It's on your mind CONSTANTLY. I came very close to losing one of my greatest loves, and now, I'm a control freak. If I don't have power, I go out of my mind. I probably needed to be in therapy for this years ago, but I deal with it in my own way. I've pushed many people away and have been so self-destructive and gypped myself out of some meaningful relationships and happiness because of this.
It's constantly in my head, but not easily changed.
Wrap it up
The picture above is probably one of the best pictures I've ever taken. Actually, I don't even really look like myself, which is probably why I like it.
So what do you do with low self-esteem and a control issue? Well if you're me, you push away every new person that pops up in your life. You let your thoughts consume you and hope that one day they don't just push you right over the edge.
But you know what people? At the end of the day, the 4 people who matter most in my life don't give a flying fuck if I'm ugly, fat, skinny, bald or that I'm insane when it comes to their well-being. They think I'm the most awesome person in the world. I'm good with that. Everyone else can just go piss up a rope.